January 31st, 2008
Oh man I can imagine the scene.
Her, tense, eyes incapable of focusing on any one thing for too long. They dart from your eyes to your hands to your seething bulge, and back again before anyone even notices. She sits, quietly wondering if you notice the opening she’s left.
Of course, nothing gets by Yardsale. You’ve been toying with her this entire time, guiding her down a path she thinks she’s choosing for herself, not yet knowing the inevitability of her defeat or your naked embrace. Continue »
January 29th, 2008
If by some random chance you find yourself reading this, I will have to assume you have some idea of the identity of both Anonymous and Scientology. Because nobody reads this bullshit.
That said, I think this conflict represents something more than the sum of both groups. To understand this, you have to understand the whole of Anonymous’ actions. Continue »
January 29th, 2008
I like to think of myself as a fairly open-minded person. I like to think that as long as someone has a semi-rational reason for believing what they do, they have a complete and inalienable right to express that view (Fuck it, anyone has a right to express any opinion they’ve got, don’t they?), thanks to a little piece of paper we nostalgically refer to as “The Constitution” here in America. Continue »
January 24th, 2008
I don’t mean all fat chicks, offensive to the eyes though they may be. I’m referring to a special type of miserable bitch, so despondent as to give up on ever finding happiness outside of a cream cake and dragging others down with her.
No, it seems a certain subset of the especially vocal and voracious supermorbidly obese female population has grown tired of wasting lazy days in front of the TV, grunting gutteral and flatulant agreement with Oprah between bites of ice cream from their only two friends Ben and Jerry. They’ve decided if they’re too lazy to put down the spoon, the next best thing is to convince other women they should do the same, thereby creating some sort of perverse reverse arms race in female appearance, and dragging out nation down with it.
We are a ship sinking from its own weight, and the captain is too busy picking out her formal muumuu to avoid the rapidly approaching fatberg.
This is a developing story.
January 23rd, 2008
USA Today is reporting some interesting and surprising news: Somehow, despite our ever-increasing waistlines, we have succeeded in dying less frequently from heart disease and stroke. According to the article, “heart disease death rates dropped 25.8% between 1999 and 2005″ while “stroke deaths dropped 24.4%.”
This is remarkably good news for a nation already in crisis, however Mr. Sternberg tempers these favorable tidings with a point we should all keep in mind: We’re still fat, and fat people go with heart disease and stroke like celebrities and overdoses, so don’t plan on any permanence to this trend. Continue »
January 20th, 2008
Throughout history, governments have sought to control their populations in pursuit of the one goal any government has: Maintaining power. Multiple theories have been put into practice over the course of time, and the overridingly successful one thus far has been population pacification through entertainment.
Rome had its prostitution houses and gladiator battles. India has the cheapest movie tickets in the world (with us following in second place) and up to 147 television sets per thousand people, despite only three people per thousand having vehicles and 35% of their population living below the poverty line
We’ve got lotteries, more TVs than we know what to do with, an entertainment industry cranking out enough content to keep the entire world numb, and a mass media industry working in lock-step with the government to convince everyone it’s all worth it.
So far the US government has been content to let our brains melt out our ears while we sop up the entertainment designed to keep designs of revolution far removed from conscious thought or water cooler discussions, but in recent times we’ve witnessed the emergence of something far more sinister: Guitar Hero.
Continue »
January 19th, 2008
Along with Spain’s Olive Oil, (Prevents heart diseases)
China’s Soy, (Prevents cancer)
Greece’s Yogurt, (Enhancing immunity and building stronger bones)
India’s Lentils….(Protein filled and cholesterol-lowering)
Korea’s Kimchi was chosen as one of the top 6 most healthiest foods in the world.
Kimchi keeps you looking young, prevents cancer and increases your immune system.
Continue »
January 17th, 2008
There are many like it, but this one is my own.
January 17th, 2008
There are a lot of people out there who, despite people’s best subtle efforts, are unaware of their jackassery. They exist worldwide, though America seems to pride itself on producing the most vocal, and while our economy may be in a bit of a slump, output of assholes remains steady. Are you a jackass? Read on to find out.
Continue »
