There are a lot of people out there who, despite people’s best subtle efforts, are unaware of their jackassery. They exist worldwide, though America seems to pride itself on producing the most vocal, and while our economy may be in a bit of a slump, output of assholes remains steady. Are you a jackass? Read on to find out.

10. You regularly repeat yourself despite lack of overbearing background noise.

And then he said, “That’s not Richard Simmons in a fat suit. It’s my wife!” We get it. You’re funny. Your insight is as biting as a pit bull in a baby farm, and your stories about who fucked who at your family reunion are engaging to the point of pain. Ever wonder how your voice manages to die three feet from you in a silent room, and people seem to forget you’re in it? They’re politely avoiding telling you they’d rather punch themselves in the dick for an hour than listen to another one of your side-splitting tales of disinterest.

9. You are Uwe Boll

This doesn’t need any explanation, but in case my website is the first place you’ve visited since returning from your twenty year stint in Rosie O’ Donnell’s vagina, check out Rotten Tomatoes‘ celebrity profile of him.

Why didn’t he stop after the first two travesties? Why do the Japanese collectively have the most depraved sexual appetite? Who can say for sure? Then there’s this gem.

:’-(

8. You enjoy email forwards.

What’s better than tired observations on the differences between men and women, proof God exists, conspiracy theories ranging from a faked moon landing to the truth behind Elvis’ gut (a semi-solid alien transmission antenna, in case you were wondering), and youtube videos even your grandmom already knows about? Getting them ten times a day from everyone you never liked!

If you regularly find yourself seeing new (to you) jokes in your inbox, it’s time to upgrade from Netscape 4.1 and venture into the shit-filled world of the real internet, find a hit man offering his services, and offering him anything you can to put you out of your misery.

7. You send email forwards.

Did you really think your entire office needed to see a video of a dog committing the tasty act of mid-coital regurgitation? Did you really think anyone who wants to see it hasn’t already?

If so, scratch the hit man. Send me an email and I’ll do it for free.

6. You think your kids are special.

Newsflash, jerkoff: There are six billion people in this wide world, and each is unique… just like everyone else. We’ve all got our own skills, but “screaming at a third grade level” is not one of them, and since your kid got his genes from you, chances are he’s every bit as mediocre as his loud-talking, slow-walking, celebrity-stalking excuses for parents.

The illusion is a comforting one, especially considering making little versions of themselves is about the biggest accomplishment many people ever achieve, but if you think your little fuck trophy is anything more than yet another drone destined to be a cog in the machine of the man, well, you just might be a jackass.

5. You think frustrating someone to the point that they give up is winning an argument.

A lot of people are idiots, but if a lot of people are regularly telling you you’re one while engaged in a debate (or shouting match if a jackass is involved), you should at least take the time to reflect on your debate technique.

Arguments outside relationships are won with supporting evidence and rational thought. Do you repeat yourself because you think the other person is “just ignorant?” Do you engage in circular logic (See: Religious Fundamentalists) to “prove” your point? Will you argue the same non-point until your opponent throws his hands in the air and walks away, then smugly declare victory while taking a sip of your double-anus mocha ferrari edition flaming iLatte and leaning back in your Aeron chair?

If you answered yes to two or more of those questions, consider suicide by self-immolation. If you answered yes to the last one, make sure to stamp out the life of any kids with whom you’ve so kindly cursed the gene pool.

4. You think you’re special.

You make mad money working your robot job, don’t you? Your manager just thinks you’re swell, and makes sure to tell you this every performance review as he gives you a raise that misleads you into thinking you’re keeping up with inflation, and mommy just can’t wait to hear about how you shaved thirty fucking seconds off your morning preparation by tying your shoes while driving. Somewhere along the line, your ego got a little inflated and you think you matter.

You probably won’t question yourself until you wake up 80-years-old and incontinent, your only guests the mouse that comes out of the wall to eat the stale crackers they serve as the only food in your retirement home and that male nurse who you’re pretty sure isn’t installing a catheter with his mouth.

No, it won’t be until then that the truth of the matter hits the jackass: That we really are all slowly decomposing sacks of self-important dreams, ideals, and even some fears, slaves to the tyrannical march of time and our ever-shortening telomeres, important to nothing, and certainly not special.

3. You enjoy the lolcats internet meme.

They’re cats, guys. The same thankless bastards that eat their owners at the first opportunity.

BUT NOW PLAIN PICTURES OF CATS DOING STUPID CAT SHIT HAVE GRAMMATICALLY INSULTING CAPTIONS ADDED. HUR HUR HUR. It’s brilliant the same way Huckabee’s campaign strategy is: Appeal to the lowest common denominator, as there are a lot of them.

As a quick test, look at this picture: click

Did you laugh? You’re probably a jackass.

2. You didn’t like “The Big Lebowski,” or any other Coen brothers film.

Perception of subtlety is a strong mark of intelligence, and appreciation of it is a sign of something better than a jackass. The Coen brothers create masterpiece after masterpiece, but some of their films meet with disdain from the less intellectually inclined. Didn’t get “No Country for Old Men?” Hated any of their movies? Can’t appreciate nuanced character interaction, creative dialogue, rich themes, and surreal situations?

In the immortal words of Walter Sobchak, “Shut the fuck up, Donny.”

And the number one sign you’re a jackass?

1. You think strangers care about your opinions.

There you go folks. Irony defined.

If you enjoyed this article, keep coming back. Many of the topics discussed are pet topics of mine, and will be further expanded upon in the future.