Guitar Hero: Frustration Engine or Fascist Indoctrination tool?

Throughout history, governments have sought to control their populations in pursuit of the one goal any government has: Maintaining power. Multiple theories have been put into practice over the course of time, and the overridingly successful one thus far has been population pacification through entertainment.

Rome had its prostitution houses and gladiator battles. India has the cheapest movie tickets in the world (with us following in second place) and up to 147 television sets per thousand people, despite only three people per thousand having vehicles and 35% of their population living below the poverty line

We’ve got lotteries, more TVs than we know what to do with, an entertainment industry cranking out enough content to keep the entire world numb, and a mass media industry working in lock-step with the government to convince everyone it’s all worth it.

So far the US government has been content to let our brains melt out our ears while we sop up the entertainment designed to keep designs of revolution far removed from conscious thought or water cooler discussions, but in recent times we’ve witnessed the emergence of something far more sinister: Guitar Hero.

 

Viewed by some as an innocent (if frustrating) distraction, Guitar Hero has in its short years managed to capture the hearts, minds, and overall attention of an entire generation, thrusting the most promising group of our population from the threshold of enlightenment to the depths of mindless obedience to authority.

Ardent apologists for the series will make claims of it being “just a game” and such. Here is the first point I must address: Guitar Hero is not a game. It is a meter, designed to measure obedience.

Classic games are defined by rule sets and strategy. From “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to “Kick the Can” to “Halo,” the player has many strategies from which to choose, each with its own strengths and weaknesses. Guitar Hero has one rule and one strategy, and both are the same: Do as we tell you. Click the colored dots. Obey, you fucking plebe.

Far be it from the misguided “player” to attempt any sort of creative expression. Any deviation from the master plan of rapidly descending rainbow dots results in a sound not unlike that of a “WRONG” buzzer, and sufficient disobedience results in the game very pointedly telling you to cut that crap out if you “want” to continue “enjoying” your “linear entertainment experience.”

This is not the only reason I suspect Guitar Hero of more nefarious intentions than it claims. Let’s compare it to another well known form of population control: The lottery.

The lottery, brilliant in its simplicity, satisfies several necessary rules to effectively control the population. How does Guitar Hero stack up?

-The lottery, as a tax on idiots with no concept of statistical probability, makes sure the people who can least afford to waste their money continue spending it. Guitar hero costs $50-$60 just for the game, and another $40 minimum per controller. Of course you want two controllers. Don’t you want to get a buddy in on the dissent-dispersing fun? Oh sorry, you got pissed off due to the monstrously hard expert difficulty level and broke your controller that malfunctions if it thinks you’re saying mean things about it? Pay up, brother.

-The lottery soothes the mind of the embattled worker drone, giving him comforting fantasies of what it would be like to buy the 1 in 250 million winning ticket; It’s a complete pipe dream, but the illusory possibility of them coming to fruition turns into the delusions of the average obese lower to middle-class housewife. Guitar Hero misleads millions of college age males into the belief that they’re getting closer to being able to pull off that eminently panty-dropping act of playing a real guitar. Witness the advent of the real life guitar hero at parties: “Dude bro I totally nailed freebird on expert, bro. I think I’m ready to join your band, bro, I mean, if I can hit five frets and one string how much harder could twenty and six be? Hey you got some Jager man?”

-The lottery wastes time that could be otherwise spent dangerously considering the true value of yet another big screen TV. This is an area in which Guitar Hero actually dominates its competition: A brilliantly designed set of difficulties meant to trick the player into thinking he will one day succeed. Much like a good crack dealer, GH starts you out with a freebie, with the rewards instantaneous and easily attained. Medium never quite gets you the high you first felt as the game’s intoxicatingly encouraging claims of “You Rock” echo in your mind, but represents none too difficult a time. Hard is where the abuse starts, with notes occasionally coming in a schizophrenic rainbow of failure, requiring significant remapping of the brain before one can approach anything called “skill.” Expert? Expert is where Guitar Hero basically sands a baseball bat to a nice splintery finish and shoves it up your ass, rhythmically pumping it to the beat of Metallica’s “One.”

But that’s not all. In its wisdom, the makers of Guitar Hero recognized the value of culture heroes to an ignorant population. A small portion of “players” can actually reach the level of zombie-like attention to trivia and manual dexterity to do well in expert. These “people” then upload their cinematic proof of never having known the touch of a woman to youtube for all the inferior aspiring citizens to worship, further extending the illusion that someday the person proving to the world he can finger-fuck his prostate to climax faster than any call-girl could dream will be him.

So let’s recap with a handy dandy table.

Lottery	Guitar Hero
Parts fools and their money.	Check. Convinces people to pay $100 for a non-game.
Pacifies simpletons with pipe dreams.	Check. Makes idiots think they can play the guitar.
Wastes time.	Double check. Astoundingly frustrating difficulty levels guarantee addiction, then destruction.

On the cusp of revolution, the elite know they must keep us placated to hold onto their riches, and Guitar Hero is their tool. Thanks to its remarkable success, millions of young free-thinkers are being guided into compliance with the whims of our leaders. Countless independent votes will go uncast because of the false hopes that “maybe I can get it with one more try.” The establishment is safe; the status quo marches on unimpeded.

The revolution will not be televised, because it will not happen. It will die a quiet death to the catchy chords and now ironic lyrics of Rage Against the Machine. We rock.