Winehouse and Spears deadlocked in battle for title of “Most Insane Whore.”
AP — Competition remains heated between celebrity singers Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears as they vie for worldwide recognition as the celebrity female with the least going for her.
Winehouse reportedly looked up to Britney as a teenager, and has taken careful note of how successfully Spears continues to make headlines in spite of her utter lack of talent and long-dead entertainment career. “I just saw her stop performing, and saw how much attention she was getting, so I said to myself, ‘That could be my attention,’” claims Winehouse.
The battle has continued to gain momentum and eyeballs as both pop stars upped the ante this week with hospital visits and continued pleas for pity surrounding their drug use and mental instability, with Britney responding to Winehouse’s dehydration/withdrawal ploy by daring her parents to squander her fortune.
“It’s just fantastic to finally have a role model who really embodies what I value,” said 16-year-old Faketown resident Amanda Everygirl. Amanda claims to have been following both celebrities closely since she discovered boys, noting that, “In America, too many people care too much about stupid things like careers and relationships.”
Sentiments on the issue vary among age groups, with one elderly man who didn’t give a name weighing in with his opinion that, “[he] prefer[s] Cracker Barrel to a crackhead bitch,” and Randy Johnson, a 28-year-old from California stating, “I just hope it works itself out kind of like Godzilla and Mothra did.”
Regardless of public opinion, both singers appear ready to take the competition as far as necessary to win, with representatives for both stars mentioning a “singing competition, or a coke snorting marathon, depending on what the fans want,” but denying the possibility of a world-record gangbang attempt as, “Paris Hilton already has that market cornered.”
Cris Crocker could not be reached for comment, as he is still recovering from anus reconstruction surgery after a night of cross-dressing and partying with the San Francisco 49ers.